Page 8 - Payout Magazine Online Volume 8.7

Looking at myself

in the mirror.

feel like I’ve grown so much in less than a me become a woman. A woman that loved to
I year. I know that that’s how life goes, as days tease and smile. I found myself looking in the
go by, as years go by, you grow, you get older. mirror when I put on my lingerie and checking
But I feel that I’ve lived 100 lives in one year. myself out.

I’m Madelene Ray, I’ve been a cam model for I didn’t exactly know what to do with the
a year and this is my story. money that I got so in the first months, I was
spending like crazy on different stuff that I didn’t
I’ve grown up in a town in Romania best need. The studio manager came to me and
known for being one of the poorest cities in my asked me why I’m asking for an advance and I
country. Nobody has a job and the ones that do, bowed my head in shame. I was spending them
either work for nothing or are not there anymore. crazy, not thinking about what could happen
nor saving them for important things like an
My parents are very religious and they raised apartment or a better life.
me to believe that whatever I do, God sees it
and judges me, so I lived my life with the fear of The manager approached me, he knew what
being struck down by lighting whenever I even I was going through because, apparently, this
thought of a boy. happens to a lot of new and young cam girls. He
helped me, mentored me and taught me how to
I moved to Bucharest 2 years ago with a save my money.
small-town girls’ dreams of making means
for myself, so I registered for a nursing class. Everything seemed to go up from there
I hated everything about it and I saw so many and I felt like I was reborn into myself. Even my
young girls come there with different problems, nickname, Madelene, that means “elevated” was
talking to me about boys and such. So I made a a sign of “Yes, I can do it!”.
promise to myself that I’d never fall for a boy and
let him make me cry or suffer. I started traveling and for my first travel with
the studio, I went to the US. I don’t think anyone
That happened of course. can imagine how I felt the moment I stepped
foot on American soil. Do you know those
I cried and cried and called my mother. She movies where you see the main actress coming
told me that I woman should bow her head in from a small town and finally make it? It was real.
front of a man and that I wasn’t good enough I did it. I saw my dream and I was living it.
for the guy.
Never have I ever imagined I’ll get to see all
A friend of mine was a cam girl and I always of this. I got to see LA and Vegas, got to party
saw her smiling and having money, playing guys with the stars and eat the best steak, drink the
and never ever crying for one. best Napa wine and sleep in the same hotel
rooms as rock stars used to sleep in.
She introduced me to this world and what I
can say is “whoa”. I’m so glad I found this job. I’m so glad I found
Studio20 and I’m so glad that I didn’t break
I was shy at first, I had no idea what to do down. I’m happy for all of it. I love my mirrors
and in a private session with someone telling me now, I think I’m going to make a room full of
to touch myself, I started crying. I didn’t know mirrors to admire myself in.
anything about my body, I was awkward and I
needed a lot of guidance. I am happy, I am free, I love myself (pun
intended) and I do it better than anyone could
I was lucky with the trainers. They knew what have ever done.
and how to speak to me and sure enough, they
broke down my walls. Day after day of constant I am Madelene Ray, proud member of the
reinforcement and positive affirmations helped #girlsfromstudio20

8 PayOutMagazine